The following content includes unfiltered opinions, personal attacks, emotional shaming and more unacceptable content. Viewers are advised to grow some balls and catch their sub. Responses and comments in the form of gbas gbos (comebacks) are allowed.
In the end, just remember what the title of this blog is 😉
Ooohhhhhhh some tables are going to be shook today. Yes durhlings, it’s the season of love (I’m not bitter, I promise) and this time, it’s hardcore. It’s a battle of gifts! The Valentine police are not dulling this year, out here inspecting who gets the most expensive gift in a clique. I’m as shocked as you are on this one. Every goddamn year, there’s a new trend. Last year hit hard with the classic
“VaLeNtInE iS cOmInG. wHeRe’S yOuR bOyFrIeNd?
yOu aRe sItTiNg aT hOmE, LONELY”
Now boyfriend or not, everybody wants to get a gift to shut Twitter down.
Throw pillows and mugs are now a thing, people! This is not a drill. Not. A. Drill.
Really, some girls are not having it, wilding out here and there, texting the guys they aired since 2017 a week to Valentine’s Day 💀 Just to get a gift at all cost. Smh. Because the boys you’re texting are in kindergarten, right? Lol, they know what’s up, sis. Clownship ended in 2019 for most of us. Those ones don’t kill me. It’s the ones looking for somebody’s daddy to train them. I mean, he could pass for your daddy, you know. One of my best girls, Jessica can relate with her father’s plight when a thirsty babe went straight to the DM saying she could make a potential “sugar daughter”. Like a true African parent, her dad sent a Bible verse and invited her to his church, lmaooooo. Yes, with the address and everything. No one’s playing in 2020 and that’s a fact.
Nonetheless, just like we have cliques and ‘geng’, we definitely have ‘ships’ that would evolve this Valentine season. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed. During this period, we have the “make it or break it” segment and I’m not saying it’s because of the gifts or anything (it’s mostly because of the gifts in Nigeria). But at this point, people reevaluate their stance with others, whether it’s worth continuing or otherwise. I’m not going to pretend. I do it all the time. I’m mentally doing it already ahead of the big day (I hope he doesn’t see this, lol). Bottomline, we belong to a ship whether we want to admit it or not. Even the veeerrryyyy single ladies are sailing some sort of ship, I’m not bluffing. And you can’t be sitting on the fence, sipping Bacardi with this one. There’s no room for all that in-between nonsense. If your S/O is calling your ship something it’s not, I can only say one thing:
This is the most common type of ship we can relate to (or at least, we thought so). It’s the kind where you and bae probably met in school (high school or college) and started off as friends who were in and out of feelings, probably because one person happened to be in a committed relationship with another but had some mixed feelings about it. They break up and you give your ship a shot. Now, you’re celebrating your 4 year, 5 year or 1 year anniversary. You could also be the ones who fell in love at first sight and have never been out of it since. Y’all are the cutest, you know. The real OGs of love. That’s every girl’s dream.
You know it’s serious when he starts calling you his girlfriend in front of his guys or he invites you to dinner with his family and you meet his little sister. He makes you his header on Twitter and y’all do that cute thing on IG where you add his name in your bio with a heart and a lock and he does the same. At some point, we all would have killed for this ship to sail (vision 2020, it must happen for me. I don’t know about you). You know, couple goals, matching clothes and all. Relationship starter pack. However, we’re still in the testing season. These people go all out during Valentine’s Day. Note that most times, they’re so much in love and they want to express it and yes, it’s the thought that counts with them but no one wants to give a terrible gift.
He would probably surprise her with a room filled with flowers and a bottle of champagne just hanging by the bathtub and a nice note with chocolates. Ugghhh! God when? I could go on and on. It’s the perfect ship to sail except when he doesn’t get her a gift, lmao. I bet you, if it were the other way round, the tension would be less scary but dear Lord, if he forgets the holiday itself after all her hints or doesn’t do anything special for her, she starts questioning the relationship. She grows distant, listening her girlfriends’ crappy advice. The usual “Maybe he’s not feeling it anymore” or “He doesn’t deserve you” or “Mark would have gotten you a gift”. Then there’s the iconic “You deserve better, girl”. Oh boy! It’s over after this. Like you’re done! She’d start replying Mark’s messages and before you say I’m sorry babe, she breaks it off. Hence, the ship sinks.
On God, this is now more common than actual relationships and it has taken so many forms that I’ve lost count of the knockoff versions. Mainly, this happens when you’re out of a bad relationship and you’re in need of a rebound (that’s not a bad thing) and you meet this good looking guy, the most chilled person you ever met and you’re attracted. Your complete spec! He’s probably 6’1 with a sexy hair toss (I prefer waves personally) and a killer smile. Well, he says “hi” and you say “hi” too. You start texting and you hang out. He leans in for a kiss and you accept it. You know you’re not emotionally ready for a thing with this guy so you spell it out that you just got out of a bad relationship and you’re not ready for another but you want him regardless. He agrees not to call it a relationship because you’re so damaged and heartbroken and blah blah blah. You’re friends but more than that; more like ‘unofficially exclusive’. Your feelings are sure and exact but your lifestyle says otherwise.
Or sometimes, one person, maybe the guy might be in a relationship but he sees you around. Eventually, he gets attracted and you get attracted and you start something together. It’s natural, girl. I feel you. He doesn’t break up with his girlfriend for you or anything. You’re just stuck in the middle and you like it that way because you get to still have him. That’s a real situationship. Anything more than this is just an excuse to warm that bed.
Well, this period is perfect timing for self assessment. It wouldn’t hit until you call him on the 14th and ask if you can hang and he goes “I can’t make it today. My girlfriend and I are….” that’s when it clicks for you. It’s nothing personal, don’t think for a day he never liked you.You were probably a side hustle, a comeback he had so he wouldn’t be lonely or till he was sure about his genuine feelings. On your own, those feelings will die and you’ll sink this ship yourself. In another scenario, you could call him on the 14th and he goes “You know what? I’m all yours”. Your ship sailed this season in that case. It’s not a guarantee it’ll evolve into a relationship but it’s an eye opener that you’re more than the situationship to him.
Do I have friends on this table? Yes
Am I proud that my friends are on this table? No
Would I want to be on this table? Honestly, no
You can’t say you don’t know what this ship is about. This is the natural explanation for that Bentley your neighbour’s sister has or her iPhone 11 Pro Max or your roommate’s boat ride in the Bahamas last weekend. Should I go on? Please Jessica, don’t read this. Else, she’ll stop telling me stories because of my blabbermouth 😫🙏🏾
This is a classic “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” type of thing. Probably with an age gap of 25 years and more, a nickname like Chief, with a promising belly you can rub or a bald head you can massage or best of both worlds. This usually means he’s stinking rich too. These are the real ones. They know it’s not a real relationship. Chief has a wife with children your age. Chief will never marry you and he’s honest about it. He knows you have a boyfriend whom you love and he’s fine with that. Maybe he loves you too but he’s not foolish enough to think you do. He’s up for a good time with you regardless. He cares for you, spoils you infinitely with gifts and luxury and you do the needful to continue this cycle of pleasure. Some don’t even want sex sometimes, just the feeling of a young babe they can party with. Home training has blocked this destiny for me 😤
It’s different with a sugar mummy though. I’ve been told that sugar mummies want extra attention for the extra cash. What a waste! Some don’t even appreciate you having a girlfriend.
To be honest, mentorship happens to be the greatest level of balling. People will know and it’s your reaction that determines how they react. If you play it cool with your head held high, they respect you. Please, all I did was research on this. I know I sound very experienced 💀 Well, if Chief doesn’t send you a Valentine’s Day package or an all expense-paid trip to Bora Bora, the chances are he’s screwing one of your friends. Why friend? Because there are no hard feelings with this ship. It doesn’t last more than a year so people make the most out of it. All that condomless sex means nothing to Chief. He’d always get attracted to another babe, and it’s always your friend in 3 out of 5 cases. This is when it slaps that your ship is sinking. If it exceeds the first year, you’re lucky.
Victoria, don’t you dare run. I put this here for you. The people I know on this ship makes it more alarming. I’m not a fan. I can never be a fan. This is ultimately disturbing. How can you confidently screw your best friend because you want to? What exactly is the colour of your problem? It’s different when it’s a random friend you barely talk to, not someone who knows your darkest secrets and you connect with on a deeper level. Have you no shame? Things like this tick me off differently. This would eventually lead to someone catching feelings. You can’t escape it. Just like you can’t escape falling for your best friend at some point and I mean this in the most non sexual way possible.
To the main gist, what happens on Valentine’s Day seals the deal with your ship. If he plans to confess with the intention to make things official, that’s different. This is his way of taking things to the next level, not the casual sex y’all have on Friday nights. But if he has a girl on that day, your ship is sinking and sinking fast. Though you know you were passing time, it still matters. You need to know when to stop it. When he gets a babe, that should do it for you. If otherwise, you can continue screwing. It’s not my place to dictate your life anyway but don’t bring it near me, I beg of you. Just pretend like it’s not happening. I’ll pretend too. I’m good at that. Not this Lannister thing y’all have going on.
Well, babes whether your ship is sailing or sinking, keep your head held high as the strong man or woman you are 💆🏾 Self love packages are available for you. What’s the sadness about? Some people don’t even have ships. Some of us have canoes, that’s damage point. Others borrowed for Valentine’s Day. Please, it’s singlehood we’re facing, we didn’t kill anybody. Laters, baby. TTYL 🎈
Arghhh!!! Love love love this. I laughed so hard writing this. If you don’t find this funny, it’s probably because I poured your drink while shaking your table 😂😂 Leave a comment and share with other fellas who need to see this. Trust me, your comments keep me going ❤❤