What ship are you sailing?

Warning ⚠
The following content includes unfiltered opinions, personal attacks, emotional shaming and more unacceptable content. Viewers are advised to grow some balls and catch their sub. Responses and comments in the form of gbas gbos (comebacks) are allowed.
In the end, just remember what the title of this blog is πŸ˜‰

Ooohhhhhhh some tables are going to be shook today. Yes durhlings, it’s the season of love (I’m not bitter, I promise) and this time, it’s hardcore. It’s a battle of gifts! The Valentine police are not dulling this year, out here inspecting who gets the most expensive gift in a clique. I’m as shocked as you are on this one. Every goddamn year, there’s a new trend. Last year hit hard with the classic
“VaLeNtInE iS cOmInG. wHeRe’S yOuR bOyFrIeNd?
yOu aRe sItTiNg aT hOmE, LONELY”
Now boyfriend or not, everybody wants to get a gift to shut Twitter down.
Throw pillows and mugs are now a thing, people! This is not a drill. Not. A. Drill.

SO ME!!!!!!

Really, some girls are not having it, wilding out here and there, texting the guys they aired since 2017 a week to Valentine’s Day πŸ’€ Just to get a gift at all cost. Smh. Because the boys you’re texting are in kindergarten, right? Lol, they know what’s up, sis. Clownship ended in 2019 for most of us. Those ones don’t kill me. It’s the ones looking for somebody’s daddy to train them. I mean, he could pass for your daddy, you know. One of my best girls, Jessica can relate with her father’s plight when a thirsty babe went straight to the DM saying she could make a potential “sugar daughter”. Like a true African parent, her dad sent a Bible verse and invited her to his church, lmaooooo. Yes, with the address and everything. No one’s playing in 2020 and that’s a fact.

Nonetheless, just like we have cliques and ‘geng’, we definitely have ‘ships’ that would evolve this Valentine season. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed. During this period, we have the “make it or break it” segment and I’m not saying it’s because of the gifts or anything (it’s mostly because of the gifts in Nigeria). But at this point, people reevaluate their stance with others, whether it’s worth continuing or otherwise. I’m not going to pretend. I do it all the time. I’m mentally doing it already ahead of the big day (I hope he doesn’t see this, lol). Bottomline, we belong to a ship whether we want to admit it or not. Even the veeerrryyyy single ladies are sailing some sort of ship, I’m not bluffing. And you can’t be sitting on the fence, sipping Bacardi with this one. There’s no room for all that in-between nonsense. If your S/O is calling your ship something it’s not, I can only say one thing:

Relation(ship)

This is the most common type of ship we can relate to (or at least, we thought so). It’s the kind where you and bae probably met in school (high school or college) and started off as friends who were in and out of feelings, probably because one person happened to be in a committed relationship with another but had some mixed feelings about it. They break up and you give your ship a shot. Now, you’re celebrating your 4 year, 5 year or 1 year anniversary. You could also be the ones who fell in love at first sight and have never been out of it since. Y’all are the cutest, you know. The real OGs of love. That’s every girl’s dream.


You know it’s serious when he starts calling you his girlfriend in front of his guys or he invites you to dinner with his family and you meet his little sister. He makes you his header on Twitter and y’all do that cute thing on IG where you add his name in your bio with a heart and a lock and he does the same. At some point, we all would have killed for this ship to sail (vision 2020, it must happen for me. I don’t know about you). You know, couple goals, matching clothes and all. Relationship starter pack. However, we’re still in the testing season. These people go all out during Valentine’s Day. Note that most times, they’re so much in love and they want to express it and yes, it’s the thought that counts with them but no one wants to give a terrible gift.


He would probably surprise her with a room filled with flowers and a bottle of champagne just hanging by the bathtub and a nice note with chocolates. Ugghhh! God when? I could go on and on. It’s the perfect ship to sail except when he doesn’t get her a gift, lmao. I bet you, if it were the other way round, the tension would be less scary but dear Lord, if he forgets the holiday itself after all her hints or doesn’t do anything special for her, she starts questioning the relationship. She grows distant, listening her girlfriends’ crappy advice. The usual “Maybe he’s not feeling it anymore” or “He doesn’t deserve you” or “Mark would have gotten you a gift”. Then there’s the iconic “You deserve better, girl”. Oh boy! It’s over after this. Like you’re done! She’d start replying Mark’s messages and before you say I’m sorry babe, she breaks it off. Hence, the ship sinks.

Situation(ship)

On God, this is now more common than actual relationships and it has taken so many forms that I’ve lost count of the knockoff versions. Mainly, this happens when you’re out of a bad relationship and you’re in need of a rebound (that’s not a bad thing) and you meet this good looking guy, the most chilled person you ever met and you’re attracted. Your complete spec! He’s probably 6’1 with a sexy hair toss (I prefer waves personally) and a killer smile. Well, he says “hi” and you say “hi” too. You start texting and you hang out. He leans in for a kiss and you accept it. You know you’re not emotionally ready for a thing with this guy so you spell it out that you just got out of a bad relationship and you’re not ready for another but you want him regardless. He agrees not to call it a relationship because you’re so damaged and heartbroken and blah blah blah. You’re friends but more than that; more like ‘unofficially exclusive’. Your feelings are sure and exact but your lifestyle says otherwise.


Or sometimes, one person, maybe the guy might be in a relationship but he sees you around. Eventually, he gets attracted and you get attracted and you start something together. It’s natural, girl. I feel you. He doesn’t break up with his girlfriend for you or anything. You’re just stuck in the middle and you like it that way because you get to still have him. That’s a real situationship. Anything more than this is just an excuse to warm that bed.


Well, this period is perfect timing for self assessment. It wouldn’t hit until you call him on the 14th and ask if you can hang and he goes “I can’t make it today. My girlfriend and I are….” that’s when it clicks for you. It’s nothing personal, don’t think for a day he never liked you.You were probably a side hustle, a comeback he had so he wouldn’t be lonely or till he was sure about his genuine feelings. On your own, those feelings will die and you’ll sink this ship yourself. In another scenario, you could call him on the 14th and he goes “You know what? I’m all yours”. Your ship sailed this season in that case. It’s not a guarantee it’ll evolve into a relationship but it’s an eye opener that you’re more than the situationship to him.

Mentor(ship)

Do I have friends on this table? Yes
Am I proud that my friends are on this table? No
Would I want to be on this table? Honestly, no
You can’t say you don’t know what this ship is about. This is the natural explanation for that Bentley your neighbour’s sister has or her iPhone 11 Pro Max or your roommate’s boat ride in the Bahamas last weekend. Should I go on? Please Jessica, don’t read this. Else, she’ll stop telling me stories because of my blabbermouth πŸ˜«πŸ™πŸΎ

This is a classic “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” type of thing. Probably with an age gap of 25 years and more, a nickname like Chief, with a promising belly you can rub or a bald head you can massage or best of both worlds. This usually means he’s stinking rich too. These are the real ones. They know it’s not a real relationship. Chief has a wife with children your age. Chief will never marry you and he’s honest about it. He knows you have a boyfriend whom you love and he’s fine with that. Maybe he loves you too but he’s not foolish enough to think you do. He’s up for a good time with you regardless. He cares for you, spoils you infinitely with gifts and luxury and you do the needful to continue this cycle of pleasure. Some don’t even want sex sometimes, just the feeling of a young babe they can party with. Home training has blocked this destiny for me 😀
It’s different with a sugar mummy though. I’ve been told that sugar mummies want extra attention for the extra cash. What a waste! Some don’t even appreciate you having a girlfriend.

To be honest, mentorship happens to be the greatest level of balling. People will know and it’s your reaction that determines how they react. If you play it cool with your head held high, they respect you. Please, all I did was research on this. I know I sound very experienced πŸ’€ Well, if Chief doesn’t send you a Valentine’s Day package or an all expense-paid trip to Bora Bora, the chances are he’s screwing one of your friends. Why friend? Because there are no hard feelings with this ship. It doesn’t last more than a year so people make the most out of it. All that condomless sex means nothing to Chief. He’d always get attracted to another babe, and it’s always your friend in 3 out of 5 cases. This is when it slaps that your ship is sinking. If it exceeds the first year, you’re lucky.

Best friend(ship)

Victoria, don’t you dare run. I put this here for you. The people I know on this ship makes it more alarming. I’m not a fan. I can never be a fan. This is ultimately disturbing. How can you confidently screw your best friend because you want to? What exactly is the colour of your problem? It’s different when it’s a random friend you barely talk to, not someone who knows your darkest secrets and you connect with on a deeper level. Have you no shame? Things like this tick me off differently. This would eventually lead to someone catching feelings. You can’t escape it. Just like you can’t escape falling for your best friend at some point and I mean this in the most non sexual way possible.

JUST LOOK AT THIS 😀😑
EWWWW 😷😡

To the main gist, what happens on Valentine’s Day seals the deal with your ship. If he plans to confess with the intention to make things official, that’s different. This is his way of taking things to the next level, not the casual sex y’all have on Friday nights. But if he has a girl on that day, your ship is sinking and sinking fast. Though you know you were passing time, it still matters. You need to know when to stop it. When he gets a babe, that should do it for you. If otherwise, you can continue screwing. It’s not my place to dictate your life anyway but don’t bring it near me, I beg of you. Just pretend like it’s not happening. I’ll pretend too. I’m good at that. Not this Lannister thing y’all have going on.

Well, babes whether your ship is sailing or sinking, keep your head held high as the strong man or woman you are πŸ’†πŸΎ Self love packages are available for you. What’s the sadness about? Some people don’t even have ships. Some of us have canoes, that’s damage point. Others borrowed for Valentine’s Day. Please, it’s singlehood we’re facing, we didn’t kill anybody. Laters, baby. TTYL 🎈

Y’ALL THOUGHT I WAS JOKING, RIGHT?

Arghhh!!! Love love love this. I laughed so hard writing this. If you don’t find this funny, it’s probably because I poured your drink while shaking your table πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Leave a comment and share with other fellas who need to see this. Trust me, your comments keep me going ❀❀

Pickup Lines Way Too Picky

Happy new year dudes and dudettes 🎈 2020, a whole new decade πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€β€ A blank sheet to make history πŸ’ƒπŸΎ At this point, we’re probably going through our New Year’s Resolution list like the palm of our hands. I’m not judging anyone. After all, I have a workout routine I’m supposed to follow through for 30 days too. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Well, in the spirit of New Year Resolutions, I’m pretty sure a couple of guys are down for dialing that number they didn’t get to last year or shooting that shot they’ve always dodged. Send those risky texts! Slide in em’ DMs!! That’s the type of energy we need this decade. But then again, you should probably brush up on your knowledge of females first before you say anything to them.

How Women Work

Truly, understanding the way women think is tasking. I mean, sometimes, I don’t even know how I work! Men deserve some credit because our hormones are so glitchy. But first things first, women are so keen and interested in what they hear. When a guy approaches a woman, she may pay attention to what he looks like (“may” is an understatement. It’s a full on X-ray) but what really sticks is what comes out of his mouth. So a fine ass brother can approach me with a 10/10 for looks and still not impress me if he has nothing going for him. Except Idris Elba, though. If he comes to me asking for a paper clip, I’d still ask him on a date! But then again, not everyone has an Idris Elba they’d still swing.

Some people actually don’t get the intensity of this concept. Like, your girlfriends would ask you “Who’s that guy?”, “What did he say?” rather than “What does he look like?”, “Does he smell nice?” Those things are subsidiary in the end. It comes down to what he says on sight.

Pickup Lines: Do They Ever Work?

You know when you’re in a bar and a pretty woman walks by and you’re like dammmnnnn. You approach her and she doesn’t give you the light of day. The only thing you’d resort to is your sense of humour because let’s face it, comedians get all the girls, at least, on a first impression basis. Well, your dumbass drops a line with the intent of capturing the beauty but you say the most corny thing instead. That’s it, there. That’s you messing up! That’s when your
pickup lines do not get you picked.

Let’s be honest, these don’t necessarily work. What girl would want to go home with that guy who makes sexual jokes all night? Probably drunk girls, that’s who! They can be good for breaking the ice but not enough for an entire conversation. I mean, people just search for these things on Google, shoot shots and slide into DMs with these lines to get attention, which is good. But when she responds and gives you that attention, these won’t cut it anymore. Some people take it wayyyyy too far, though.

PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAY THESE THINGS 😬
GBAS GBOS πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
FREAKYYYYYY πŸ’€

Just for heads up, I’d drop a couple more lines you should consider not using if you really want to go with the corny lines:

You must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind the whole night.

β€”Feyisayo πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Are you Jamaican because Jamaican me nervous.

β€”Some weird guy on Twitter

Can you tell me what’s an attractive, fine man like me doing without your number?

β€”My Chemistry teacher πŸ’€

Damn, how can you be hotter than the bottom of my laptop?

β€”Someone who’s not getting laid

As long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit

β€”unknown

Excuse me. I’m looking for treasures. Can I look around your chest?

β€”Google pon this!

Hey babe. Wanna sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops?”

β€”Thirsty Instagram dude

Don’t ruin the fun guyssss. The more unintelligible these lines are, the more smiles you’ll get but keep it at a minimum. And if the vibe demands more, you give it your best shot. It might work in the end!!! Bye loves. TTYL 🎈

Unrequited Love

You know those ‘Have You Ever’ games where you pass cups with booze and a question pops up with “have you ever..” and you drink when you have and you don’t when you haven’t?
Here’s something we can all drink to.
UNREQUITED LOVE!

Yes, fellas. The love that is not reciprocated or rewarded. This happens when your infatuation doesn’t infatuate back, guys. You know exactly what I mean. A girl you have strong feelings for, directly or indirectly rejects you plainly or slowly withdraws from you because her feelings for you do not match your feelings for her. That is unrequited love. Finally, something we can all relate to!!!

Let’s drop the pretence and get real for a sec, okay? This is not a time to be generic. We’ve all been burned before by someone else. Forget “hard guy” or “no hard guy”, we’ve been on this table. The kings and queens of the “Always Wanted” nation will say they cannot relate (Inem, please drop your hand). Sorry, criminals in love (get it?). Well, for the rest of us commoners:
Who have been curved in the DMs
Or had a crush who never crushed back
Or loved someone in a healthy relationship
Or have been casually friendzoned
Or hooked on a playboy or playgirl
Or crushed on someone with a different sexual orientation
Or loved a person more than you were loved by that person
I see myself in every scenario tf πŸ’€
The list is endless, truthfully but for one reason or the other, you do not stand a chance of happiness with X, then this story is for you

The Problem With Catching Hints

It’s impossible to know exactly how you feel especially when it happens. I can bet you half the time it’s actually happening, you might be so clueless and dense about it. Honestly, catching hints is another story in the 21st century. It can happen to anybody, and I literally mean everybody. It happened in my friendship circle too (I’m sorry, guys πŸ™ˆ) So, one of my best girls, Annie was interested in Mark, Jessica’s brother. When I say interested, I mean stalker level interested, yooo. My girl had no chill at all, lost her cool in the process. Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, you name it, she had it. She chased this guy to the ends of the earth. No leave, no transfer (smh, the only thing I can chase like this is money, no cap!). Some people just like stress and I’m just wondering when I’ll join this cruise with my lazy ass, lol. Now get the gist, Jessica knew this, of course and she knew how Mark felt about Annie was platonic (I honestly felt Annie could do better, though) but Annie had legit lost her head over Mark and she couldn’t see what Jessica and probably half the squad thought was sooooo obvious.

Now to the risky part, it was Valentine’s Day *barf* and she was eager for Cupid to do his thing and finally hit Mark with the magic. In conclusion, Mark had been in a relationship for 2 years since her obsession started. How she didn’t see the hints Mark and every goddamned person gave her, is beyond me but catching hints was just not her thing, I guess. I don’t blame her though. There are probably a million Annie’s in the world who couldn’t see past the hints. Damn, I might have been an Annie at some point too 😬 Truth be told, there are ways you can see past the mirage of love and get real but we’ll get to that.

The Element Of Rejection

All stories are different but a common ground with unrequited love is rejection. You know when you feel a lot of things and nothing at the same time? That’s what the rejection does to you. You start questioning “Where did I go wrong?” “Was I not enough?” “Is something wrong with me? “. Bro, I can over relate to this! There was this moment in my life that would forever remain questionable 😀 A guy I was freaking interested in, said and I quote “you’re not my type” 😭😭😭

I know what you’re thinking. Who rejects a total babe like me? Honestly, I don’t know how but it happened and I legit went mute because who wouldn’t? See me that year, I could only see red. I was rejected and it just couldn’t settle with me. I would look in the mirror and go, “Look at you! Someone can see you and not like you?How?”. The way things were going, I would have passed for a mad person because the rejection hit me hard. But then again, that was just me. Others react differently.

Whooooshhh!!!!!

The funny thing is the situations are different but the end result is always the same with unrequited love. Even when you’re not rejected, your feelings would be.

The Fairytale Depiction Of Love

Before I break this table, I must say that Disney gave 21st century teenagers a high expectation of love that is far from reality. I mean, I was part of the population of hopeless romantics who waited for Romeo by my window (not literally πŸ˜‚), or let down my hair for my magical prince to come to my rescue (still don’t know how this would work with my Afro). I even thought we’d get married and live in a castle somewhere in the woods (okay, this, I wanted literally πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). But here I am, writing a dope blog with the best readers ever and lovingggggg it (y’all have good taste, trust me 😻). No castle, no prince, no fairytale and I’m not dying because of it. Newsflash: mice can’t sew clothes. Neither can a pumpkin serve as means of transportation. Snow White actually reduced my IQ 😩 but a girl can dream, right?

Honestly, all these roles in love stories are far from reality. Shit like that, and I’m speaking from a place of truth, rarely happens. What are the odds you’d trip and almost fall but right on cue, the hottest guy in school saves you and helps you up and you look in each other’s eyes and sparks fly and he falls in love and you fall in love and ewwww. Saying it out loud makes me feel more delusional. It’s a major scam to portray love like all love stories have happy endings. Babes, wake up and smell the roses, someone can curve you, they can find you unattractive, they can have girlfriends too, for heaven’s sake, they can be gay!!! I’m yet to see the movie where the guy doesn’t get the girl so I’d know I’m not alone in this struggle.

How To Get Rid Of Unrequited Love

There’s a common problem most people face and that is how to identify unrequited love. How do I know the girl I like doesn’t like me back or the boy I like is not as interested as I am. It’s not that easy to spot it. Sometimes, it’s more obvious than others especially when there’s no form of relationship between you and the other person. It’s more difficult to get rid of unrequited love.

Step 1: Do Not Let Fate Decide

I once thought only Americans did this but Nigerians have subjected themselves to suffering like this too. Not to be rude, but what daaaa fekkkk?! This has to be the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. I get that sometimes, things happen for a reason and if it’s not meant to be, it’s not bound to happen but come on. This is way out of order. This trick would only work in 3rd grade but currently, those kids are wilding so it seems invalid now. Whatever you do or plan to do, just don’t let fate decide.

Step 2: Know Your Worth

In Nigeria, there’s a popular phrase “see finish”. It’s a gentle reminder that you’re not rated to be worth anything to someone else. You see that thing “see finish”, avoid it like the plague. If you do not value yourself, someone else will take advantage of it.

Step 3: Own Up To Your Feelings

Fellas, tell that amazing woman how you feel about her. Ladies, grow a pair of balls and express yourself. If it hasn’t killed anybody yet, why would it kill you?

Yessss, nobody wants to be curved, we can’t handle rejection but I say it’s better than a one-sided romance where the other person is completely unaware of your feelings. No more “hard guy”, just own up to your feelings.

And to the rest of you bisssshhhhesss who actually follow my advice and can’t wait to try it out, I’m sorry in advance because this Single Pringle doesn’t know shit about love πŸ™ƒ TTYL 🎈

Uggghhhhhh!!!!!! I hope y’all have a beautiful day and supes excited for this post too. Thanks for reading ❀ Don’t forget to leave a comment and like the post. Your comments honestly make my day, guyssss . Much love 🎈

I’m not okay but I will be

Please, be rest assured I’m not a narcissist by will. You know that saying “na condition wey make crayfish bend”, I’d like to think it applies to me too. Let’s skip the Tea Party banter and inadequate niceties and grab the damn bull’s horn. Life doesn’t throw lemons for you to make lemonade anymore. It now throws melons which make it harder to make lemonade. Be honest, how are we supposed to make lemonade out of melons? This is exactly what I mean!

Sis needs a manicure, A shopping spree in Dubai and a 3-month vacation. Sis is me!

Yo, local man is stressed ALL DA FREAKING TIMEEEEE! *sigh* Ranging from success to relationships, the cycle is unending; everybody is stressing anyhow.

CLASS A TYPE

There’s the Class A type, the friends we grew up with, who probably have the life we aspire with a rich Zaddy and two houses in Lekki will tell you “God will do your own. Be patient” or things like “Ella, keep your fingers crossed, I’m sure you’ll get it”. Sorry to burst your bubble sis, but my fingers hurt from all that crossing. Come on, facts before facts, if Class A faced half my problems, they wouldn’t say the same words with the same attitude. Really, where’s the lie?

Then there’s the Class B type, our ever-nagging Nigerian mothers and busy-body family members that call you “the law” or “our barrister”

CLASS B TYPE πŸ’€
This is the marriage committee that brings potential husbands for you πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
If you have her or something like her as a mom, I’m honestly sorry πŸ˜€πŸ˜–πŸ˜­

Unlike Class A, these ones are out to get you, no cap! “Mr Adenuga’s son is in town and he’s ready to settle down. He’ll make a good husband for you” or “Gbenga just bought a house for his parents in Ikoyi . Does he have two heads?”. No mom, Gbenga doesn’t have two heads but I doubt he has a supervisor at work who never entertains his ideas or a manager looking for somebody to “scratch his back” first.

HE SAID IT, NOT ME 😬

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be positive and optimistic about things getting better but do I need to do all that now? Allow me a few minutes of reality where I do not have to pretend everything’s fine. I’m not the picture perfect person with the picture perfect family in a picture perfect house with a picture perfect life. This is not a Barbie and Ken story! A day would come that I will be broke, depressed, generally unhappy or experience a few meltdowns and tantrums; those things make me human in the end.

Bottom line is, life doesn’t have to follow an ‘order’ chosen and created by society . It’s okay not to be okay sometimes, no one has it all figured out. I’m not okay now but I will be. “Last last, we go dey alright”. Laters, baby ❀

Yikessss πŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎI enjoyed writing every bit of this post. You’ve gotta love it, no doubt. Please leave a comment, like and share to the entire world ❀

The birth of shadesofella πŸŽ‰β€

To my fabulous readers, critics and the soon-to-fall-in-love-with-my-writing gang, I’m screaming in Hispanic because I can’t keep this in my pants anymore! Welcome to my blog, darlingsΒ  πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

This life na one, chop dey go

β€” Every Nigerian right nowΒ 

Hola dudes and dudettes, ladies and gentlemenπŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎ I’m supes (that’s ‘super’ in White Girl English) excited to have you. You’re welcome to the sabi blog where some unconventional lyricist, with the coolest glasses everβ€”argue with your motherboardβ€” melanin in complexion (like that’s a thing) legit gives you a minute in her head πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ That sounds so fun, you know.

Q: who wouldn’t want that?

A: totally uncool people, that's who! 

Fortunately, you’re in for a mental and emotional rollercoaster because content changes with every post 😬😜 So grab your comfy slippers and clothes and come play with me. While we’re at it, I might actually write on the blog, lol πŸ’†πŸΎ Love ya πŸ˜‰